How do I begin a post like this one? Despite numerous attempts over the last few weeks of inactivity on my blog I have not found a graceful or poetic way to say that I’ve ended my marriage. Ya, Merry Christmas hey? There would have been a thousand better times for this tidal force to move me as it did, but it seems I could dam the force no longer.
The first I heard of this tidal force was a number of years ago. Inside of me, though, it began not like the tide that moves me now but like the slow, intermittent drip of a leaky faucet – a faucet of truth dripping its painstaking reality into my guts. Droplet by droplet I felt the building of a knowing in me that I needed something that couldn’t be found in the domestic context I found myself in. And yet, it was a truth I didn’t want to hear, refused to hear. I would try to tighten that faucet, change the washer, drown it out, plug my proverbial ears. But to no avail, the dripping backed up, creating more and more pressure in me. Building until what started out as the drip of a faucet became a stream, then a river, then a violent waterfall, and then the tidal force that finally was determined to sweep me into it or destroy me. I chose the former. To be carried by this force I’d been actively trying to deny and get rid of for quite some time. I’d seen the alternative manifest a number of times over the last few years, and I did not want to be destroyed by my own denied truth. Truth will do that, choose it through the front door, or it will destroy you through the back door on its way to realization. One way or another what IS will have its way. This is God’s will.
It really wasn’t my will. If I had my way, I’d be able to beat this truth out of me. I don’t know how many times I begged it to go away. I’m not happy that I hurt my best friend or changed life for my daughter. I’m not happy now, because I ended my marriage, I’m happy because I finally listened to this truth. My soul smiles, not because of the outcome of my choice, but because I CHOSE. I responded to what I saw and finally accepted as a larger will than my own. To choose the reality I had denied is where true empowerment comes. To be myself, who I really am, is where true happiness lays.
And now, as I watch the rip-tide curl and sand castles crumble in response to the tsunami I have released I am filled with guilt. And I realize the next aching reality I am called to realize and embody is forgiveness. To forgive myself, for being myself. I am reminded now of a quote from Into the Wild: “ When you forgive, you love. And when you love, God’s light shines upon you”. My soul’s truth has been liberated, and now I wait patiently to bask in the light of God grace. The question is: I’ve chosen one truth already, can I also choose the truth of forgiveness?